It has been over five years since the disappearance of my best friend. It is not something I have really talked of much. It is not something I have known how to deal with, nor have I found a way to come to terms or to understand it enough for it to not hurt when I think of it.
We were friends for only 3 years, but during this time, I think she was one of few people I have felt very close to, that could understand me. She was one of those souls that you feel an immediate connection to, one of those rare people you meet in your lives that mark it indelibly even if it is only for a short time.
We met when I first came to the US, one of the first real friends that I met here and felt that our friendship was one of cosmic significance. We talked at a depth I have rarely found with anyone. The times we shared were magical in many ways, I am not sure whether it was because I was travelling for the first time, or that I had finally met a kindred spirit after years of feeling detached and apart from my previous childhood friends.
Whatever the reason, it seemed we were twinned in many ways. During the span of time we had been friends, there were periods in which we were together as more than friends, but it seemed like the friendship was the real reason we had met. I was even hesitant at first in case the friendship were damaged and lost. But it seemed the honesty we had between us was enough to surmount any difficulties that may have arisen.
The end and the disappearance didn’t happen quickly. It happened slowly and so, I don’t think I really realised that it was so, until things had fully disappeared. She had decided that she no longer wished to be together and had brooked no argument and so I had trusted her judgment. We remained friends for several months afterward and we both had other relationships in this time. We still talked about things together, although I noticed a distance and a coldness creeping in with her.
When I questioned her about this, she denied any such thing and so the honesty I had so cherished between us started to diminish.
She decided to move south to go to school and she talked excitedly of how it would be and of the new life she would have. I was happy for her and the life she was moving towards. I was saddened to hear of her moving away, but didn’t consider that it would be the end of our friendship.
Not until a few weeks before her move did I see a change in her. Suddenly she seemed to have developed an unreasoning anger towards me, a cold hostility that was difficult for me to be around. When I asked her what was happening, she blamed me for a great many things, many unreasonable and false. Although this I didn’t understand at first, I still respected our friendship and I spent many an hour sat in reflection trying to see if any of the darts she threw were true. In the end a few friends of mine encouraged me to disregard her poisoned words and I tried to see the hurt that has caused her to react in such a way. I think I accepted too much abuse in this time. Emotional abuse is so much harder to measure than that which leaves a bruise. Even so, I found it difficult to bring myself to say anything harmful in my defense and it seemed that she felt that a weakness. I couldn’t bring myself to hurt her even to protect myself.
It seemed that I had already lost my friend. In the week before she left, she said she didn’t want anything further to do with me. When I asked her why, she simply replied she didn’t know and would give me no answer.
I hoped that maybe she just needed time and a new start. It was painful to watch her go, not knowing why she wanted nothing more to do with me. I was very hard on myself and constantly searched for a reason why I was not good enough to be her friend. I couldn’t see it then, but those around me later said that I had been devastated by her actions. It felt like a part of me had been lost.
A few months later I emailed her and she apologised for her cruelty and said that it was to do with her and it was not me. She still could give me no reason for her actions, other than to say that it was just what she had to do.
I figured she needed more time, even though I wanted my friend back. The next time I tried to get in touch, her email accounts had been closed. She told no-one her new contact details and slowly withdrew contact from everyone who had ever known her over that time.
Years passed and there was no word from her. Although a friend of hers ran into her on the street one day after she had moved to the same city. She said that she wanted no contact with her or anyone from that time, not even to go for a coffee to catch up. Now her friend is one of the sweetest people on the earth and I figured that if you are going to cut her off, then something serious was up. I felt a lot more relieved after that as I didn’t realise how personally I had taken it.
The part that stings even to this day, is that I lost my best friend and I don’t know why. Any hope for reconciliation seems foolish, certainly after 5 years. I can think of any number of reasons why she may have acted in such a manner, but I don’t think I will ever know. The lack of closure is the real killer. I wonder after the way things ended if hope is foolish, that I should be glad of her loss. Yet I knew her and feel that anything so serious must have been a great pain for her. It gives me understanding of the great pain people go through when a loved one disappears. Somehow it is worse than their death, for at least then there is a closure of kinds. Each time I consider it, I wonder if there is something I am not doing that could bring a closure to things. I wonder if she considers the pain she has and is causing by her severing of our connection.
I have tried all I know of to let this go and to move onwards, yet in the small hours it resurfaces sometimes. It always seems there is a tiny fragment still there and I am left wondering what yet I must do to be free of this.
Tags: disappearance, friendship, Loss, missing, pain, sadness
